Tag Archives brain-farts

Suicide pledge

Suicide pledge - GDN 10 May 2007

Ehm, not to belittle the tragedy and the obvious cry for help, I just couldn’t help but burst out laughing when I read that last paragraph!

This is a girl who attempted suicide who has had her stomach pumped and rather than try to understand the problem so they can resolve it, their idea of a solution is to take her to a police station to sign a pledge to not attempt suicide again!

Yes folks, that’s the deterrent which a girl intent on ending her life is going to pay heed to, a pledge not to do it again.

Morons.

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Conning the con man

آسيوي يستأجر فندقاً بـ 27 ألفاً بشيك مرتجع

أمر رئيس النيابة العامة فهد بونوفل أمس (السبت) بحبس متهم آسيوي، وهو وكيل لأحد الخليجيين، استأجر أحد الفنادق بشيكات مقدمة، وعند حلول موعد الاستحقاق تبين أن تلك الشيكات مرتجعة، وتبلغ قيمة الشيك 27 ألف دينار، وهو عبارة عن قيمة إيجار الفندق لمدة شهر واحد.

وتتلخص القضية في أن أحد الخليجيين استأجر الفندق من مالكه، واتفق الطرفان على تقديم المستأجر إلى المؤجر شيكات مقدمة لمدة معينة، إلا أنه وعند صدور قرار وزارة الإعلام بمنع بيع المشروبات الروحية في بعض الفنادق وغلق الصالات الفنية، وكل الخليجي مدير الفندق وهو آسيوي الجنسية بتوقيع الشيكات، وعند حلول موعد استحقاقها تبين أنها مرتجعة فتقدم صاحب الفندق بشكوى ضد الآسيوي إلا أن النيابة العامة أفرجت عنه في بادئ الأمر بكفالة مالية، وبقدوم الشهر الآخر وحلول موعد استحقاق الشيك الآخر، تجددت الشكوى ضد المتهم الآسيوي، فقررت النيابة العامة حبسه، وتقديمه إلى المحكمة الصغرى الجنائية التي حددت يوم الإثنين المقبل موعداً لأولى جلسات نظر القضية.
الوسط – Ù¦ مايو ٢٠٠٧

This is just too interesting to let go of as it contains all the elements of a cheap novel!

It’s got a gullible protagonist who wants to get rich quick and falls in the honey-pot of the antagonist who is a known con man who convinces him that the best way of doing so is leasing his hotel for a seemingly reasonable figure, especially when you consider the takings of just the booze sale in that sub 5-star establishment which contains everything a prowling sex-tourist is looking for.

Hands are shaken and the protagonist hands over sackfuls of cash in the form of post-dated cheques and assigns a resident hotel manager to ensure that the guests are well taken care of and hence the cash intake continues to flow.

That’s when the antagonist puts his plan into action – probably unbeknown to the protagonist – and stands for public office, one that he is carried on paid shoulders to by resolutely defeating the incumbent.

As the election promises were religious in nature – which is the cheapest sure ticket in the arsenal and one that is readily accepted by the neophyte and paid-for voters – he has hit several nails with one strike of the hammer: He mounted a campaign to clean up his constituency from prostitution and went on the rampage as a vigilante knight-in-not-so-shining-armour and apprehended several hookers and presented them to the police, he filed complaints against some 40 establishments in his area which he claimed are dens of drink and prostitution (his hotel was obviously omitted from that illustrious list) and generally made a fool of himself to the authorities so much so that the ministry of interior slapped him down and told him to mind his own business and that it is the police’s job and not his to go around catching wayward prostitutes.

No mater, he demonstrated his “purity” to his financially encouraged and Islamically correct constituents that he legally no longer operates a hotel in which patrons relax through copious flow of non-Islamically sanctified liquids but gets paid a generous lease for nevertheless.

His hands are clean, conscience non-existent, bank balance remains healthy enough for a pretty nice big black bling of a car (probably several). It is no wonder that this newly elected MP promised to donate all or a large part of his parliamentary salary to the benefit of his newly acquired constituents! When he receives nine times that salary from the lease of the hotel, I understand the generosity.

You would think that the relationship – beneficial as it has proven to be for all involved – would have continued as is, save for one little thing: that Islamic ticket the newly anointed MP was riding. He had to continue to at least appear as a “protector of the faith”, therefore he chose to support and vote for the banning of the sale of alcohol and shutting down of entertainment venues in sub five-star hotels, a decision which will include his hotel obviously.

That was the deal-breaker.

Chasing prostitutes and closing down or at least harassing competing businesses in the area was one thing, it was actually good business, everyone was directed to relax in that there establishment, one that was supposedly ensured by his excellency not to be harassed. But voting to shut down the main source of revenue, uh uh, this cannot be stood for.

That’s when the claws came out and cat-fights ensued.

The protagonist proved to be quite a proficient con man himself. He set up his “joker”. He authorised his resident hotel manager to sign lease cheques on his behalf.

When the investor saw the huge drop in revenue – as no one would want to stay in that dump anyway – he started screaming blue-murder and wanted to cancel the lease agreement. He even filed suit against the antagonist to retrieve what is left of his post-dated cheques, the total of which were about million dollars. So it’s no chicken feed. It’s a hefty sum that would keep the honey flowing for our newly anointed MP.

The investor probably finally realised that trying to get the cheques back were a futile exercise and chasing it through legal channels (in a dry country which takes the tenets of Islamic Shari’a rather seriously) was bound to failure. So what is a guy to do?

Clean up the account and run!

The end of the month came, our guy wanted to get his blingy car filled up with petrol, tried to cash the cheque, and, it bounced!

Oh ho! What to do now? Okay okay, try to solve it amicably and I suspect quite a number of high-decibel conversations took place between the parties concerned, things dragged on and another month came and went and another cheque bounced. The well was definitely running dry(er) so the owner went to the police with the bounced cheques. He wanted his money.

We can’t have that. In Bahrain you would probably receive a more lenient sentence for a heinous crime than for bouncing a cheque. What’s wrong with you? This is money and that takes precedence!

The police has to act, and act they did.

Who signed those cheques?

Bring the bastard in.

And we have another poor Indian rotting in prison for no (total) fault of his own other than probably personal greed and gullibility.

The rest, as you can imagine, would be very interesting to find out over the coming months.

Stay tuned to the saga of conning the con man!

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Transporting humans

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A few months ago, the Ministry of Labour meekly suggested that workers should be transported in covered vehicles, they meant buses I assume, which should be adequately air conditioned. So canny businessmen slapped on some plywood boards around the back of 6-wheel trucks and shoved all their labourers in there.

That should have been enough – as far as those businessmen are concerned – to provide a safe, covered and as it was open to the elements, would also provide adequate air conditioning if the truck driver put peddle to the metal – which seems to be their specialty anyway – slowing down only enough to discharge their load of humans, but never stopping in the interim. If a worker falls as he disembarks and cracks his skull, well so what, it’s a lowly Indian anyway.

Two days ago, something pipped the Ministry of Labour again to have their undersecretary once again meddling with businessmen’s profits:

New rules governing workers’ transportation have been drawn up by the Labour Ministry and the Interior Ministry’s General Directorate of Traffic.

Trucks should be used only to transport materials and not human beings, said Labour Ministry labour relations director Shaikh Ali bin Abdulrahman Al Khalifa.

“Workers should be transported on buses and not on trucks or pick-ups,” he told the GDN.

“We are concerned about the safety of workers. They should be transported on vehicles which have proper seats equipped with seat-belts.”

Fair enough. But the “business community” (I’m not one of that club, I refuse to be one of them) went ape.

However, the business community in Bahrain says it is not practical to transport all workers by buses to their workplaces and back.

“It will cause huge financial burden for businessmen,” said Bahrain Chamber of Commerce and Industry (BCCI) board member and contractors’ committee chairman Samir Nass.

“The number of labourers in Bahrain is about 200,000.

“The cost of providing air-conditioned transport for all of them is estimated at BD50 million to BD100m.”

Mr Nass said transporting construction workers on air-conditioned buses would also adversely affect their health.

“After travelling in an air-conditioned environment for half an hour or so, when they step out into hot and humid weather conditions, they are likely to catch cold,” he said.

“It will affect their productivity.”

1. 2. 3. 4. 57678910

Mr. Nass had a “serious lapse of reason” (just in case he takes personal offence at using a certain “b” word and decides to take me to court too!) actually several lapses which you can pick yourself from the linked text above.

migrant workers transport in Bahrain

I was discussing this with my wife coming over the Sitra causeway this afternoon and seeing several of these contraptions which Mr. Nass and his colleagues ascertain are more than enough to transport workers in, they are looking after their health after all! Frances suggested why don’t they try this mode of transport for themselves – meaning the businessmen – and see how they like it?

That’s a good suggestion! We should hire one of those very safe, naturally aerated and conditioned, sun-protected worker transport units and get all those businessmen to be transported in to/from their places of work for a few days. We too would like to take care of our captains of industry (no, they are not captains of indentured workers, how dare you!) and see how they fair, especially that the smelly season is upon us?

Any takers for this campaign? I think it would be very educational for our capitans and this will also give them the opportunity to show their leadership by practicing what they preach!

Let’s find out when Mr. Nass’ committee actually meets at the Chamber of Commerce & Industry, bring a truck to the door and shove the whole committee members in the back of these trucks for a field trip of discovery!

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3-for-1, Saidi latest brainfart

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Deputy Dawg, Bahraini MP Jassim Al-Saidi

Yep, our effervescent Deputy Dawg™ is encouraging his fellow MPs to get it on:

An Islamist lawmaker has urged his male peers to take four wives, three Bahraini women and one foreigner, in order to help address the issue of the high number of spinsters in the country.

I’m not sure if he’s also including the lone female MP into the sphere of his advice of course, probably not as with his low opinion of women I wouldn’t be too surprised. Foreign women of course do not get regarded at all by him, they simply do not exist but if they do, they are worth a lot less than locals.

What’s all this in aid of then? What’s the motive for his latest stinker?

Shaikh Jasem Al Saidi, an independent with strong ties to the Salafis in the lower house, said that Bahraini men should not hesitate to wed more than one wife for the sake of the nation.

“We do not want to have spinsters in the country and we do not want a rise in the divorce rate either. Taking more than one wife is the solution, and I advise that the members of the Council of Representatives should set the example,” he said.

But his remarks, uttered in a light tone, drew compassionate opposition from the other 38 men who sit in the 40-member council.

“Please, just speak for yourself,” the Islamist deputy was told by fellow member Hassan Al Dossari, while Latifa Al Gaood, the only woman in the lower council, preferred not to comment.

Al Saidi’s suggestion came after the council could not agree on the merits of extending health privileges to foreign women married to Bahrainis.
Habib Toumi :: Gulf News :: 5 April, ’07

Ah, he’s trying to save the country the money that would have been paid by foreign wives for availing of the local health services.

Thank you sir. Now go back to your cave. And take with you all of those morons who voted for you as well.

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Math skills are good to have

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For instance, when someone tells you that Bahrain will receive a “flood of 100,000 fans” for the forthcoming F1 (people, not those devices which circulate the air), and you know that the maximum capacity of that venue is 45,000 that means that either someone seriously miscalculated the popularity of that sport and undervalued the capacity of the BIC, or a GDN reporter added a zero inadvertently to that figure quoted in that article, or it could also be that someone is trying to pull our legs and enthuse us, marketing wise, about the event. They might as well pull the other one, it’s got bells on.

No matter, I hope that the F1 will be an unmitigated success.

And hope that brainfarts like these won’t affect the attendance. Oh hang on a minute! Maybe without that brainfart the flood would have increased to 176,000?!

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All hail King Salman bin Hindi

Kingdom of Muharraq

In an unprecedented move, a separatist coup declared our beloved island of Muharraq an independent kingdom presided over by His Honourable Majesty King Salman bin Hindi, the erstwhile loyal governor of that island.

Muharraq, the mother of political movements in Bahrain, the location of the first ever educational institution and the exclusive entrance by air to Bahrain has been taken over by a separatist movement which ceded it from the main archipelago.

Bahrain is now bereft of its main entrance point by air, and much more importantly, we have now lost a major part of our heritage, and the denizen of multiculturalism and anti-sectarianism to a despot intent on reversing those two main facets which we all – as Bahrainis – were once proud of in our island of Muharraq.

King bin Hindi, on his declaration of independence, has also declared that Shi’a, especially those of Iranian origin, and Indians and other icky labourers are henceforth not welcome in his kingdom. That is actually very ironic because those who can understand Arabic would interpret His Majesty’s family name as “the son of an Indian”, so I guess when he is anointed proper he might choose another nom-de-regine to be thenceforth known by.

King bin Hindi has also demonstrated his astuteness to reach his declared goal of a racially pure Muharraq, has banned any land and property transactions by “foreigners”, that is, anyone who is not demonstrably Muharraqi of the fourth degree; people who speak with the Hidd tongue are condoned provided that they plead complete and utter allegiance to his Majesty and sacrifice one of their daughters in his honour. If a Hiddi house does not have any daughters, then their maid will do – especially if she happens to be Indian.

As Bahrainis we cannot accept this situation. Muharraq is the jewel in our crown, the pearl of our existence and the pride of our history. How can we condone such a heinous step? This is an island so ingrained in our blood that we can never regard ourselves as true Bahrainis unless we have drunk from her sweet water, or at least made the pilgrimage to Shuwaiter’s sweet factory and bought some of his Royal Halwa, without which no Eid could be celebrated and no occasion is ever complete.

How can we accept such a situation when we celebrate the major parts of our culture in that island? How can we remember the pearl diving without mentioning Muharraq? How can we experience the greats of our literature and song without thinking of Muharraq? How can we even go on our holidays or conduct our business without partaking of its modern(ish) airport facilities?

No no, this cannot be. I am absolutely shocked and dismayed by this development, and declare myself now and for ever a Muharraq Freedom Fighter to liberate that great island from the tyrannies of bin Hindi, that usurper, and bring it back to the mother island and restore it to its place of pride in our kingdom.

Hail Muharraq! And off with bin Hindi’s head!

correction: sorry, I have linked to the wrong article originally, the link is fixed and it goes to the correct Arabic article in Al-Wasat newspaper of Dec 28th, ’06. Humble apologies.

English translation: Google translation of the newspaper article linked above

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First ministerial lapse of reason of the season

And it belongs to (tat tarat taraaaaa):

Mansour bin Rajab with Municipal officials

أكد وزير شؤون البلديات والزراعة منصور بن رجب حق أعضاء مجلس النواب في‮ ‬مساءلة الوزارة،‮ ‬قائلاً‮: »‬لا‮ ‬يوجد أي‮ ‬تقصير من وزارة البلديات بخصوص تجمع الأمطار التي‮ ‬هطلت على المملكة مؤخراً‮«‬،‮ ‬مضيفاً‮ ‬أن‮ »‬أي‮ ‬تقصير من الوزارة سنعترف به‮«.‬
جاء ذلك على خلفية ما‮ ‬يتوارد من أنباء حول مساءلة وزيري‮ ‬شؤون البلديات ووزير الأشغال والإسكان من قبل مجلس النواب بسبب الأضرار التي‮ ‬خلفتها الأمطار على بعض الأسر البحريني

Al-Ayam :: 22 Dec, ’06

DISCLOSURE:
6 May, ’07: Due to a libel case brought against me by the Right Honourable Minister of Municipalities and Agriculture, the exalted Mr. Mansour bin Hassan bin Rajab, Esq. I have had to amend the original article by altering some descriptive words and removed an explanatory sentence He has taken umbrage with.
This is part of the agreement to rescind the libel court case brought against me by the RH Minister.

The honourable brand new minister (it’s the guy in the middle with the rather fetching grin), who was an insignificant member of the previous Shura council with nary a proposition to his name, declared thus in the above paragraph during an award ceremony for previous municipal officials he patronised that “There is no default whatsoever from the Ministry of Municipalities and Agriculture in removing the various collections of water due to the recent rains“.

CLOSE YOUR MOUTH GODDAMMIT! The minister said so didn’t he?

He obviously hasn’t been out to the various villages and even the Capital since those rains. And he most certainly didn’t come and have a look at our very own Al-Yousif de lac.

Well, if this is the first he comes out with, we can rest assured that the state of his ministry by the time he leaves will be as good as those non-present bodies of water we are not suffering from!

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Ooooooo boy…

I think we’re going to see far too much of this gentlemen over the next four years.

Meet Sayyed Abdulla Al-A’ali who was a municipal councilor for the Central governate the last time around, and he successfully tried his luck this time around continuing his ride on Al-Wefaq’s coat-tails and got elected with a good margin too: 67%, so two thirds of his constituents either bought his spiel, or believed in Al-Wefaq’s manifesto, or just followed Scholastic orders and voted him in anyway.

Would they still have elected him after the gems he spewed in the GDN this morning? Here’s a selection – which I am hoping against hope is not the official line of his party, but thought jihad (aka humungously sustained brainfart) on his part:

Gem #1: wants to pass a law that would ban Bahraini women from appearing in advertisements wearing revealing clothes

Gem #2: He also wants to pass a legislation to keep them out of “male-orientated jobs”

Gem #3: he wants to reduce the retirement age for women and improve their pensions because he believes they should not work as long as men

Gem #4: “The problem is that women’s retirement age is 55, while it is 60 for men,” he said. “Many women can’t work until that age.

Gem #5: Mr Al A’ali claimed poor planning of the jobs market had left women doing “men’s jobs”

Gem #6: “This is an Islamic country and it is a disaster if Bahraini girls are forced to work as dolls,”

Gem #7: He criticised living standards in Bahrain, which he described as “one of the richest countries”

Gem #8: He said another problem existed between government salaries, which he described as high, and low private sector salaries. “If salaries paid by companies are government subsidised then things would certainly be better.”

I’m not going to bother to comment on his gems, they’re just too valuables and should be covered, coveted and hence should stay at home – his brain, but I would like to profusely thank Mohammed Al-A’ali (I hope no relation) the GDN reporter for such a laugh!

Therefore, let me congratulate the good Sayyed on receiving the very first TWITBTHIFD prize!

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Voldemort demo tomorrow

The permit has apparently been given, probably under the duress of the international press and media presence in Bahrain to cover the elections, and in spite of Ahdeya Ahmed‘s affirmation that we do not have any sectarian problems in Bahrain, a vast swathe of political activists and organisations have called for a demonstration tomorrow afternoon to demand a thorough and independent investigation into the Bandargate affair to take place from the Ras Rumman mosque in Manama at 3pm.

Good luck guys, you’re doing the right thing.

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